Humor for Monday Morning

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", he says. "She got
in the back seat by mistake."

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FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in a pauses. She yells
to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94
year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts
up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92
year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday". And the third man chimed in, "So
am I, let's have a drink."

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ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to
sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to
bit my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of
bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. He replied, "To get my teeth!"

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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell" said Herman, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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SENIOR DRIVING II

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely
see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few
more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat
was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that
we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Heck! am I driving?"