Thursday, September 23, 2004


It is 4:11 am. I can't sleep. I watched a PBS special on Freud and C.S.Lewis last night. Some of the panelist views on death bothered me.

Or, is it just death in general. Being around death all the time as a hospital chaplain has its effects. Yes, my doctor friend's death has placed me in a tizzy, but it is also the 24 year old girl I spent several hours with this week as her mother died. We were alone for hours until her husband got there. How horible (to me) to face death alone.

Maybe this is just an adverse reaction. But I know I have been around it enough to know the vague distortion that grief tricks us in to. Death involves the grief, the shock, the detailed planning (I am still planning another memorial service for Monday for Dr. Dyer), the gathering of speakers, a room, some food, and the words to say to those who have lost a loved one.

Yes, I am sleepless because it has become TOO MUCH. Time is broken! Reality has set in. What I really need is to go away for a day and be alone, maybe at the abbey. But, no way. I chug along, fraily get by, eat to much, don't have time for exercise, try to grieve but futily. Just a good night's sleep would do.

I know now why Jesus left the crowds. We all need time away from the crowds, but WHEN?


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